Eyes on the prize

I'm here again. Oh my god I can't believe I am updating this freaking space again in a week. Alright it is not a ranting post with endless negativity like previous post. I am too free lately and I start watching vlog of the US youtubers and Alissa Violet is one of my favorite HAHAHAH God damn she has a hot body and a funny personality. I love her attitude and the way she's speaking because it got me laughed so hard *HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* That's her favourite annoying sound lol. Actually I'm watching those vlogs because I want to improve my English speaking and listening so bad. My english is sucks and I don't like stucking at the same poor level so I'm doing this HAHAHA I'm proud of my diligence *UEK NO JUST KIDDING LOL*

Okay back to the topic, I'm not writing this post to compliment how cute is her vlog. Recently there is a vlog of her hit me harder than a truck. The title is "Know Your Worth". I am awake after watching the vlog because it's really important to know your own value and your own and own merit. Lately, I'm being so negative and I hate myself to be like this because it isn't me. I think I'm sinking in the negativity too much and I lost myself inside this incessant self-pitying, eventually I trapped myself in this vicious cycle over and over again. I am blaming people because nobody understands my situation, I'm complaining because of the inequality, I'm grumbling because of the imbalance caused by comparison, I'm whining because I have no ability to make a change. I'm lost. 

I've been doing self reflecting because nobody can help you except yourself. If you are not making any changes on yourself, regardless physically or psychologically, you are pathetic because you are going to lapse into a hell and be a failure. 

1. Don't spread negativity. People have no obligations to know your every details because they aren't you and this is normal. The fault is not on them. The fault is not on anybody else. I've been hoping people to understand me and to know me and this eventually induced pressure on myself and also people around me. This is sucks. I'm stupid. It's okay to happen anything bad because it will end up to be your life experience which will only belong to you. It's okay to rant to people you trusted but don't ever want them, push them or even force them to help you every time. I've done it and I know how bad the situation will become. Things can't be solved and people would be bothered by your grouse.

2. Get off your couch and make a change. When you think you can do it, prove it. My mum is not believing in me in handling my life and being independent such as driving a car, handling relationship and academic, dealing with my tuition fees, future planning etc. She is insecure because I'm growing up and I'm having a boyfriend. She can't believe that I'm a sensible girl who know exactly what I'm doing now. This has put us into tense situation and worsen our bond. My mum is short-fuse and I'm not good in speaking gently when someone is touching my bottom line. Things get worse. I can't find a way to communicate with her because she is not the one I used to be with anymore. Distrust is pulling us apart from where we are. Since I can't change the situation, I start to change myself. I start to embrace the situation I'm in and I do the things that she thinks I can't. Things won't get any better anyway. I just don't care anymore lol.  

What I want to say is instead of changing others, the easiest way is changing yourself. Make yourself a better person. Do anything for yourself because in the end of the day, you are the one who is there for yourself. Make yourself proud of being who you are as well as your parents. *not my parents*

3. Know your own worth. It is something I don't. People who are close with me would know that I always feel myself is not perfect, I'm feeling inferior inside though I always fake myself as a funny person who can laugh all the time. I am afraid of comparison with people around me especially the close one. I'm not feeling jealous about that person but just I'm feeling that I'm not good enough. Those thoughts such as "Why I ain't them?" "I am always bad compared to people" "What can I do to be like them?" "How to make myself be lovable?" are going on my mind whenever comparison happens. I SWEAR THESE THOUGHTS ARE TOXIC. These thoughts are shaping a noxious paranoid and insecure identity inside you unconditionally. and THAT'S ME. Knowing self-identity is really important. If you are not gaining advantages on your appearance then don't focus on it. Focus on your talent, your intelligence, your strengths and what's make you beautiful in life. If you are not good in your academic, focus on your social and your hobbies. If you are not good in making friends, focus on doing what makes you feel meaningful and contented. If you are not as rich as people around you, focus on what you have and what you can do within your ability. EYES ON THE PRIZE; focusing on the positive end results. "Everyone is pretty in their own way", that's what she told me. *I feel sorry to her because my words of previous post was stabbing her feeling :(* Comparison is horrible but nothing is more gruesome than you can't embrace for who you are. Hating yourself is truly devastating in the state of intangible and the consequences may extend to the people around you. 

I've lose my track once but I won't make myself make the same mistake twice. As I grow up, one thing I realize is nothing is more important than loving yourself. Be the best of you is the only way to love people around you. Be who you want to be not what people want you to be. People who truly love you would accept your imperfections, your flaws, your blemish. It doesn't mean that you are granted a green light to be a person who hurt everyone around you using your bad side. That's a fine line between being confident and being cocky; a fine line between love yourself and self-righteous. 

That's the end of my post. I love you guys and appreciate for tolerating my negativity for quite a long period. Bye.