Breathless.

It's the end of November. There's nothing good to share whenever I'm up to here. Awful. Pathetic. Sucks. Firstly, I have someone who thought himself is a super responsible human being as my father. This is the worst incident in my life because all of the awful things in my life are the chain effects of his act. 

Why is he so worst until I resent him a lot? 

Well, to be honest, I don't really care what happened in the past such as he cheated on mom and leave us when I was one years old. 

I mean I don't even know who is he right, I was still a baby, who cares? 

But why I hate him so much is because he always think he is a saint and he did nothing wrong. 

He told me he is a responsible father because he paid the monthly alimony according to the legal contract. So legally, he is a good father. 

The attitude infuriates me so much. LOL What ??????????????????????? He felt that he is now paying my study so I should forgive him and respect him because he owns the money, he has the power. Ermmmmmm??????????? 

Okay, he is a fucking asshole. Okay I have a good verbal fight with him and I don't care. 

The fight started because he told me he owe us nothing and he is not wrong for cheating. 

He don't need to feel sorry because he is not at fault. 

I told him to use birth control if you plan to have children for suffering. 

Ok, I'm rude because I'm pissed by his attitude. He is totally a jerk though he has a successful career, great position in well-known company, knowledgeable. Jerk in disguise with suit and tie. 

Why it leads to a lot of chain effects? That's my mom's turn. 

Mom resented him a lot and I can totally understand why she did that. 

She hates him so much like I do. 

But at the same time, she sometimes probably hate me too? 

I'm not sure because she always kind of blame me and insult me for my existence because she needs to carry me as a burden after divorce. 

Yeah, it's right. No one wants to carry a damn stupid baby which is annoying to start a new life. 

She always thought her life would be better if me and my sis never born. 

Back to home for me is never a happy memories. It is time to listen "how worthless I'm" "how burdened I'll be" "I'm a useless daughter" "I'm not good enough because people who are smart are now making money" "daughter who is sensible would have married a billionaire" “You're stupid to give in to a guy" 

Okay. It's like I'm never a human to both of my biological parents? I'm not sure. Why am I born? 

Is it too late to make myself abort after 20 years? This is too sick. 

The unstable emotion of my mum is kinda torturing for me most of the times. 

She is kind of extreme after experiencing the failure of marriage but the one who is experiencing the consequences of the acts of that asshole is me. 

But she never did the same to my sis. I wonder why too. Fine. 

Back to the fundamental reason, it is all caused by the asshole. He traumatized her. He left all the shits to her and run away to start a new fucking life with new lovey-dovey. He even threatened her that he would declared bankruptcy if she want to make any claim on his assets during divorce. 

Skipping all the details. I want to go Australia so much because I want to leave this hell. 

Probably most of the people think that I want to study there because my boyfriend is there. 

But hell no. 

I was never wanting to study there at the very first. 

I don't even feel it is important to graduate in the good ranking university. 

To be honest no one cares what cert are you holding when you start working. 

I started to have this thought from last year. I just simply have the feeling I have to leave here. I don't want to repeat the endless cycle in my home. 

I know it spends a lot of money. But fine, the asshole want to get rid of me blaming him so much so he decided to give me a sum of money to go Australia. 

Call me a manipulative bitch, I play the victim card to get what I deserve. 

I'm a selfish gold digger? Whatever it called because he never paid for his mistakes. 

His act traumatized mom and causes me to suffer from the endless emotionally unstable of mom. It's time for him to pay for what he did. Fucking asshole. 

Why I must go to Australia but not other country? Erm no why because my course is a UOW program in Australia and this is the only chance I can escape from this shitty place. 

I'm done experiencing emotion breakdown to listen my mom's insult which is like a sword, breaking every of my heart into pieces. 

Probably this is the only chance I get to start a new life and trying to be someone successful rather than staying in my comfort zone. 

I want to be someone who makes my mom regret saying I'm a useless burden. lol 

She did encounter a lot of hardships for raising us alone. It's hurt to listen your dearest one to say that you are a damn burden. 

For my dad part, no one cares about him tho. 

Whatever I don't even care if he thinks I'm his daughter. 

I don't blame him for cheating. Cheating is normal right? When you scroll through Facebook you can see a lot of cheating news. 

I just hate him for cheating right after he had a baby and during mom's pregnancy.

I mean what the hell, if you don't love your partner just fucking get lost and don't have babies. You can leave and your partner can move on. Just deal with it. But WTH????????????

Was condom  and other birth control that expensive in 20 years ago?  

You are making both your partner and your kids suffer, you fucking dick. Who else want to marry a woman with two kids, asshole. One mistake he made, he is ruining all life of us. 

Direct consequences to mom and indirect impacts for me and sis. The chain effects are coming slowly and we wouldn't know what's next.  

His attitude is like a cold-blooded shit. I wish him hell, thanks. 

Will I resent him whole life? LOL No please, he don't worth my emotional investment. 

I will just move on once I graduate and have my own life.

Everything is making me so breathless. I managed to get through all of these with the conditions of staying sane, rational, optimistic, normal-kind-human-being personality because I have bunch of awesome people in my college life. 

I can only smile happily when I'm with my bunch of friends in INTI. 

Randomly talking to Vion, Xin En, Sze Yin and Phoebe is my favorite activity.

We're always daydreaming for something which is impossible to happen and always easily telling random jokes out of nothing.  

This is when I can genuinely laugh til I forget my tragedy. That's why I love being with them.

They know some of my thing but not all. But, they can always make everything seems lighter to me. They make me feel that every problem seemed less deteriorated and can be solved eventually. Kinda my source of optimism? hahahah 

Emily and Sishu are totally my soulmates in college. 

I thought I would never know someone like this after high school but they happened. 

We don't know each other for long. Sometimes, they understand me more than my boyfriend does. When I'm mad or feeling emotionally exhausted at something, they know exactly my point, my perspective, my feeling and my limit. 

They are like always know what I'm thinking and what I'm worried even though I don't say a word. Out of nowhere, they would give some wisdom words or advice which directly pointed to my thoughts. They are gold. 

Of course I miss my best friends ZiQian and WeiNi. They are the best of the best. I think even the 20 years after they will still be my BFF lmao.

Though going Australia would be a tough journey because I need to work part time to earn my pocket money. So much uncertainties. I don't know whether I can get a job at there. I don't know whether I can make friends with white people. I don't know my English would be able to communicate with them. I don't know what if I broke up with my bf. For this time, I decided to start my first adventure in my life. I won't be regretted for the choice I've made. It is better to live in a continuous shitty life. 

YOLO? 

I called it a blessed catastrophe.

It's already October, I have no idea how time flies like a G6. Still the same me though, the same one who encountered 3 or 4 emotion breakdowns in a month but still, managed to get myself together as always. Still the same me who is lazy as fuck to go for an exercise and workout but keep on saying want to train an abs. *haha how funny* Sishu, Emily and Vivion always scorned and laughed at me whenever I said I'm gonna start my abs plan. Perhaps they have been listening for almost a whole damn year.

I actually feel comfortable with my friends now and we are freaking excited because all of us are going together to Wollongong next year!! Thinking about the convo we had few days ago makes me feel unbelievable for our ability of imagination and dreaming. We're totally detached from the reality and our imagination went wild when we start searching apartment to rent in Wollongong online. How beautiful and lovely those apartment are, imagine we waking up and cooking pancake for breakfast together, walking to school and going to beach together. Thinking of the cozy roommates life like "How I Met Your Mother" is actually making me stirred up, we're even imagining taking video for vlog HAHAHA. Ok. Times to wake up JiaYin. You're not even finished your Sem 2. Keep sane and back to reality. *Living together with conflict is always the last thing I wish to happen* My friendship thing is kinda normal, I meant kind of going smooth and peace because I don't encounter any friendship problems in my whole college life. I feel lucky when I listened to Sasa talking about her friends in KL and it is actually hellishly complicated. I know her feeling of having trust issue I guess.

It is weird that I'm actually quite close with Si Shu and Emily now, flashing back to next year, I was totally awkward if I was left with them alone. I remembered there was one time I was left alone by Alex in car with Si Shu and Emily because he was going to buy some stuff. That's when I know awkward silence can actually kill someone. Now, their names appear most frequent in my Whatsapp, at least once a day. Though we just knew each other last year, but they gave me a feeling like they are old friends. I'm totally lucky to have them as my close friends. Sometimes, they knew me better, it's like they knew my thoughts and the reasons for my mood swings even though I'm smiling. They always got me without me saying anything.

Okay, here's come to my second thing, my new 5-crazy-girls squad. Phoebe is kind of steady girl, steady as pyramid, earthquake can't shake her mind if she doesn't want to do anything. I kinda like her because she is a very neutral person, she never takes side. Vivion and me are kinda same kind of personality, we are realistic to some extent but still, we can talk some stupid nonsense for hours every time we hang out. I like being with her especially some heart talk session, at some point, we are quite similar in our thoughts and viewpoint in life. Xin En and Sze Yin are definitely drama queens HAHAHAHA, I meant in a good way. Their imaginations always went wild, I still can't figure out how far they can get to but I think went outside the milky way in galaxy is definitely possible. I like talking with them because I always burst into laugh until my tears coming out, sometimes I feel my face muscle is numb due to too much laughing. They can always make a drama out of something trivial and petty but they are fun. Days would never get dull and tedious if you're with them. Never forget the BT kias, we don't actually keep in touch much daily but all of us catch up once in a while since all of us part our way in different course. They are definitely nicest people who I spent my first two years of college life in INTI. The images of me crying in front of them in a pub are the worst moment of mine. F U C K I N G   E M B A R R A S S I N G. I don't know why I did it in front of them, probably they are those people who witness the whole journey of my relationship. Okay, back to the topic, I wish 4 of them can get a good and kind girl because they deserve it. Why not? They are not the very attractive type but they are quite good looking, gentleman and sensible in some way.

Here comes to my relationship. FINALLY HE IS GOING TO COME BACK IN DECEMBER. God damn it I seriously sick of long distance relationship. I meant it is not like I'm that kind of girl who can't stand to be lonely and always wish to have a guy beside me. I have no problem dealing with my life without boyfriend because I did it for my past 19 years but it is really sucks sometimes. When you are in a serious bad mood, you found out that your boyfriend actually can do nothing because he is not by your side. When you are going to tell your shits but the time zone difference screwed you up because your boyfriend is actually having fun or probably sleeping or working.

When you finally get to talk to him in video call, here comes people and slow internet connection to interrupt our conversation. I tried to stay optimistic. I tried. I can't deal with myself when sometimes I'm really bothered by something, I actually need him there to hear me out. urgh. skip that. I was like with a "in a relationship" title but living with a super single life. I deal with my shits, my good and bad things ALL, by myself. That's not cool. Ok. I'm such a inconsiderate girlfriend right? Trust me, when all the sweet texting is gone, the only communication in a day is the video call but the video call is interrupted, seeing your boyfriend always surrounded with bunch of girls, you'll hardly keep your calm. It sounds too absolute but at least it is, for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the control freak girlfriend who wants boyfriend to text me every second, report to me his life, stay away from girls, or want him to sell his whole time, mind and soul to me. On contrary, I don't intervene much in his social life because I know social life means a lot to him, he always like to be surrounded by friends. I feel really happy for him when he actually found his true friends in Australia.

I don't know whether other girls have such feeling, I don't like to tell boyfriend to do something I like because I always believe that "if he loves you, he will know what to do and where the boundaries is". I feel like if something is done because being told, it is just done out of responsibility and obligation not to upset you instead of doing it from his heart. Sometimes, I feel like a fool for waiting his call when he is hanging out with his friends until late night and he don't even tell. I was like waiting, that moment feels like I'm the only one who looking forward to call. I'm being the typical me and starts overthinking. Insecurities kill, I swear. It feels like I was always placed after his social, I'm the last thing he remember after he's done dealing with his happy social life. This is NOT OKAY. Priority issue, I know I'm being petty and needy. I'm just like any other girl, I'm not the special kind of girl like those are mentioned and appeared in romance novel. Fine. Call me selfish bitch. I have tried to have a talk about this issue, and it turns out to be me overthinking stuff, me not trusting him enough issues and me picking out his flaws issue. We made up of course. I know he loves me. I can feel it whenever I see him. I love him too. But, I guess he still doesn't get my point...?  Zero cares given on this issue and zero hurts. But the way, he is still cute in his way and playful. HAHAHAHAHA

He thinks I'm making a big fuss over these but yeah he just don't understand. I trust him but it doesn't mean I can 100% tolerate all these things. Maybe I can, only when I don't care and don't love anymore. Don't doubt, we're still in a good term, it's just me who played the bad guy card. I'm difficult in some issue I know. My pride is done with this issue so I guess I choose to move on now. No one is perfect. I should learn to embrace, I know not everything will go with my expectation. HHAHAH I still love him after all. Let's hope everything will be back to normal like before when he is back. No more LDR in next year YEAH.

Last thing, this is the major issue that causes me to be exhausted 24/7. My family. I'm not always on a good term with my mum, I meant since I went to colleges. Long story. Thing's getting serious. It is weird you love and hate your dearest one at the same time. I cried most of the time after fighting. I'm mentally drained and worn after every fight. I just hope that everything will be fine after I go to Australia for next year. People said absence makes heart grow fonder and every cloud has a silver lining. I choose to believe it, at least there is a hope to hold on right? Law of attraction. Thinking about positive outcome to attract the positivity. HAHAHA Naive and sill, but still worth a try. I'm tired. I'm totally sick of myself to sink and drown in the emotion of anger, grudges, disappointment, upset lately. Of course I still love her, but question is I can't stand to being in quarrel mode with her every week. This is sickening. Jiayin, please stay strong.

ANNYEONG. MY LIL SPACE.

Sweet or Poison; Life.

I've been in a mess lately. There is always one and only thing that bothers me all the time, that's my family issue. I swear that this is the hardest issue to get a solution. Literally, despite the shits I got when I back home, my life is absolutely perfect on my own side. I don't have friendship issue, relationship problems, study stress or anything. Nothing at all. My own life is pretty smooth. I love it especially, me and Qassandra called each other at random time just to share our life, shits and the relationship story. I'm so damn excited that she got her loved one. She is a brighter person with less resting bitch face than before and I'm so damn glad to see that!! I honestly worried that her heart is totally dead and gone before this. But yeah great things happened. HAHAHAHAHA

To be honest the friends I met in my degree life are awesome, though I knew most of them in my diploma. But in degree I get the chance to mix around with them more since my diploma squad is now.....scattered? I don't know what's the right term to give it best description... but we're definitely not cutting ties lmao we're still good friends like before. It's just that we don't spend time as often as we used to be. Anyway I love my new squad too, my gossip girls. We are totally 5 girls who are always chatting in a way-too-exaggerating-and-dramatic tone and expression, but it is fun when I'm with them. Saying sweet words like "aww you are my girls, my baes, so glad to have u in my life" is definitely not our thing because we like to call each other bitches all the time. We are those friend who is lazy to keep in touch in social media or anything with each other because we believe true friends will stay the same once we meet up. Yeah same logic to me HAHAHA We are just fucking mean to each other but surprisingly none of us are feeling butt-hurt or being sensitive about the overreacting terms. I'm surprised I don't. I do change a lot compared to who I was in high school. That's a great thing for me. I appreciate the diversity of personality in people as I grow because mixing with the similar people is really boring. Things are better when you barely care. I don't care the little things like whether I topped on their best friend list or I'm their first priority because those fucking things were really childish to me. I did care when I was in high school but NO MORE DRAMAS NOW. As long as we are taking each others as good friends sincerely deep down from our heart, it's fine. No one is dedicated to revolve around someone, everyone has their choices. I love it when I'm hanging out with them and talking random shits. I feel so real. But still my best best best friends are those I knew in high school. To be exact those I knew since primary school. 

Not those in high school form 5. 5S1 is a disaster to me. I guess that is where my self-esteem and confidence was totally grinded and crushed into ash. That is where the thoughts of "you're nothing if you don't get 10A+ and get the fucking scholarship" overwhelmed me. Ask me whether I miss high school? Nah, I'm definitely not, I'm not going back to the shitty hell that burn, break and crash me. They are disaster to me. I mean those classmates other than Chloroboat members. Choroboat is surely a good squad for me. Oh yeah, just saw what they post in the 5S1 group about invitation for a gathering and I realise I'm totally forgotten by everyone. No one really care whether I'm going lmao. The point is I don't feel sad at all about being left out or something. Technically, I feel relieved because I don't belong to those genius world at the very first and I don't need to fit in those thinking-good-result-means-everything superiority complex group of people anymore. I'm completely detached. I just like it somehow HAHAHAHA Just some digression. No offend. 

Here's come to my kill-me-or-heal-me life, I don't know where to start to give my heart, my mind, and my soul to take a break. I'm just feeling really sick when I get back home. It's not like I'm a stone or any other non-living things, telling me to ignore everything that happened is impossible especially it's your dearest one. I don't even know how the things turned into such irretrievable situation. I keep to myself for quite a long period of time and I feel I'm on the verge of breaking down  since 2 months ago. I tried telling this situation to my trusted friends just for the purpose of giving a vent. I can't stand it anymore and I'm afraid that I would have a mental breakdown for this issue. Yelling, insulting, blaming, whining, spitting vulgar are what I heard everytime I back home. I do feel heartbreaking and crying at first, and then it turns to be anger and madness to get such treatment, and now I'm numb. There was some moment that I really hate her for treating me like that, now I know she is still my dearest one I know I can't just left her like that even she treated me badly. I feel weak and vulnerable. I knew I can't just dump her aside in future even though she will continue bringing me such negativity. Sense of obligation and moral. Sense of family love. Whatever it is, I just feel that soaking myself in such environment is unhealthy for myself. I hate negativity honestly. Even the worst happened, I don't blame myself or people around me for having bad luck or denying my own value like saying something "I'm useless, I cause problem, I'm trouble" those shits. I don't think groaning helps anything instead of thinking a solution and moving on. For many times, I do think of killing myself. But I stop this thought everytime because I hate it when I'm being such negative and dark. I guess dying would be the last thing I do to deal with my life. I'm not a pessimistic girl after all. I know this is not the end of the world, I just can't see an end of this detrimental torture. I knew I can temporarily escape from this cruel reality once I get to go Australia in next year. But this is still an uncertainty. I am afraid my dad told me no. I will lose all of my hope and I don't know whether I can deal with it if this happens. My future is uncertain. damn i hate it. 

Lastly, I'm going to have a lil cheesy lovey-dovey topic on my sweetheart baby. I WENT TO AUSTRALIA FOR THE FIRST TIME. OMG IT STILL FEELS LIKE A DREAM TO ME UNTIL TODAY. Memories are still fresh and vivid in my mind. I miss him so much. It felt so unreal when I saw him in the Sydney Airport once I reached arrival hall. Everything sounds perfect when I was with him. I just can't believe I experienced things like I watched in korea drama in my real life. I hope the time in Sydney stands still. I feel I am the luckiest girl in the world whenever I'm with him. He makes me forget whatever shits I have in life; somehow he is sort of my motivation to make myself better and stay optimistic in dealing every problem in my life. Every time I have been through the shits in my home, I feel so damn suffocated till I can't even breathe sometimes. It's like something is pressing on my chest. But once I saw him in video call, every problems fade away. I feel much better. It's not because I told him what just happened but because I feel that I matter and I can be important in one's eyes. He make me feel safe somehow. I know all of these sounds like the extract from the random romance novel HAHHAHAHAHA *annoying af* but yeah that's what I truly feel in this relationship. Kinda lucky to have him as my first love. I guess both of us love kissing and cuddling with each other. These are the best thing ever. *so explicit*

Can't wait to see him in December. Still wishing our long distance relationship stays strong. It is definitely not easy for me to handle this relationship especially we're not by each other side. But LDR is not really that bad. At least for us. I realize both of us are getting more mature to be someone better for each other. We're not arguing like before to handle problems, instead we start to think from perspective of each other. I do love it when he is not getting mad at me but comforting me with his humor whenever I'm overthinking and creating own dramas. I do feel insecure sometimes especially when I heard some breakups of people who used to be so sweet. Things can change pretty fast, feelings can fade, i love you can turn into i hate you in a second, when you think you are dealing it well and here comes to an end. That's love, right? One side of me is really afraid something like that happens on me one day. I don't think I can handle it with rationality too because love and hate is never a rational thing. Dealing with heartbreak by someone means so much to you is never an easy job for people. It can feel like the whole world is dumping you aside when your loved one was your world. Nothing lasts forever, I don't believe in forever either. But another side of me think that all can do is let it be maybe. Because why worry about something we don't even know? hahahahah I always believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe when something unpleasant happens, we feel lost and helpless. But when you look back, you will be like "ahhhh why I being such a fool at that time? why I'm so keen to hold on to such belief?" I went through this kind of feelings too many times and I'm still feeling that way every time. and I found that everything I experienced in the past is now definitely a great stepping stone in preparing myself to encounter what's in the present. No regrets. I'm such a ambiguous-thoughts-bitch hahahaha damn  

I don't know whether I should hate or love my life. 

HELLO FROM ME

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊 我想要呐喊 

生活好累啊 我真的好久好久 好久 

没有来这里乱乱哈拉了 

突然想念这里了 所以我就出现了

Final is over oh em gee

其实也没有啦 还有一科MPU 反正就是突然有兴致

总结来说着整个sem 就是好忙 好忙 好忙

每个星期都在担心自己的tutorial assignment online quiz 有没有做完

然后好累 然后突然就到final 了

时间过得超级无敌快

然后我也是 远距离恋爱 已经半年了

好不知不觉哦 完全习惯

其实这些都不是重点 这是一篇很无奈的抱怨文

啊啊啊 怎么说好呢

用华语来写比较容易表达我的心情

这一年半我真的好累哦 

有时候有些情况即使说出来 真的不是每个人都能明白

我已经搞不清楚 我从很愤怒 到很失望 再大哭

然后又在无数次的重复多少次了

我真的有时候怀疑我自己是不是投错胎

不然怎么会那么相冲 几乎每个星期回家都是大吵

而且都是很莫名其妙 好像什么都是我的错

我知道我这样说真的很不孝可是

有时候我真的会很讨厌我妈

我知道他照顾我很辛苦 我也明白照顾一个孩子是很不容易

可是总不能因为这些 就能完全无视我的感受

不把我当人那样 侮辱我的人格 还有想要怎么骂就怎么骂吧

我的post 的语气其实没有很生气 只是 err 怎么说的 无奈加绝望

 好吧 总之就是对我自己的人生很无言

说说我印象最深刻的一次

我妹升学到台湾需要到银行 拿 certified financial statement

然后呢 我就到柜台去问是又需要存折吗

还是只需要他们的证明文件

然后那个人很清楚的说不需要 只需要经理的签名

还有官方的一封信就行了

然后呢 我妈竟然在柜台的人面前

直接很夸张的乱骂我

说什么 蠢死了 还要来问 存折不需要也不懂

然后就扯到我的男朋友是不是富二代的问题

再扯到我未来一定很惨

然后呢就扯到什么我很带衰 然后就说我一定会怀孕

然后变成啦啦妹

很夸张有没有

我当下完全很生气只是我没有回应

一路上骂到回家完全没有想要暂停的意思

然后我真的受不了了 因为这样的无理取闹已经是

几百次有了吧 

然后我就大吵 反正你要怎么说我都行

只是我真的很讨厌人家说一些我根本没做过的事情

而且完全凭空想象 然后就可以乱骂

而且当时那个staff 是很礼貌的 然后很快就做好了

我真的很不明白他是在不满意什么

那个又不是我的事 是我妹的 为什么都骂我

我只记得我吵完 然后就整个在房间大哭

还有每一次妹妹的事有突发事件
或者舅舅有什么事麻烦到她
他第一个骂的不是他们
是我
是我
是我
关我什么事了
有病吗
真的很夸张
而且在他们面前恭恭敬敬的
一直当好人 说没问题啦
反过来就来骂我 我的天啊
现在visa 是我妹妹自己忘记要做
是我的是吗
现在舅舅讲错机票 然后少订
是我的事情吗
做了有谢谢我吗
没有
他反而来把全部的脾气骂在我身上
全部都是我的错
一直觉得以前他离婚是我害的
有问题吗
然后扯到离婚的事情
听说当时我才一岁
有完没完
这是忧郁症吧
反正我真的很讨厌他
超级无敌讨厌

这只是我半年来的其中一件事

我从去年就一直过着这样的生活到今年

没完没了的 每个星期 每一天 都是这样 反复着

我能理解每个家庭都会有争吵

妈妈骂孩子也很正常

可是我还是能够分辨 什么是骂 还有什么是言语暴力

别人的事麻烦到他 他也这样骂我

我的事 他也骂我

而且不是普通的骂 甚至还会拿报纸丢我

有时候真的怀疑我是不是她生的

在别人面前他的形象总是很搞笑 很友善

我的朋友们都很喜欢她

这个才是让我很无奈和头痛的点

回家完全就是另一个人格

不懂的话我还以为人格分裂症
就是因为是我的亲人 所以我才有那么多的挣扎
我不能说不理就不理
难道我每个星期连家里都不回吗
就是因为是我的家人
我才会那么的烦啊
道德的谴责 真的很烦

反正我就是好累 每天在想着几时才能脱离

说说我关于我男友吧

自从我以前的好朋友有了男友之后

我妈就常拿来比较

比车 比家境 比有钱

什么都是钱 坦白说我真的很反感

每天都说 你看人家的男朋友驾Audi

你看为什么人家的每一任都是驾名车

我听了 真的很倒胃口 很生气 觉得很不被尊重

我自问男友不是什么富二代 可是也属于中上吧

而且我不觉得他有什么比不上别人的地方

对我也很好 对我家人也很好 很尊重

然后也很疼我 很让我 然后也很有上进心

就算我有时part time工作到很晚 他在澳洲也已经是深夜了

也会特地等我回来 聊一下再睡

在我眼中 他对我就是超级无敌好了

我不明白 我妈到底要比什么

甚至有一次很夸张 我男友在门口穿鞋

然后她就开始那边念 很多关于这些的事

然后他完全听见了 我当下真的很尴尬

完全想死 

他知道我每次哭 都是因为这些无形的压力

可是每次都是他劝我说 要忍耐

怎样都是家人 我哭过就算了吧

都一直安慰我 说以后就会很好了

他知道我妈那样想他 也还是很尊重

还跟我说 没关系啦 每个女生的妈妈都会这样

所以他要努力变超级有钱

我有时真的很无奈 想说

其实很简单 只要他换了女朋友

他的日子也就好过很多

哈哈 我有没有很聪明

我真的很不想我自己的家庭问题

变成我男友一部分的烦恼

他本来就没必要一起承受这些
为什么别人恋爱都好简单
为什么我恋爱那么难
好像一波未平一波又起
我也很想 轻舟已过万重山

虽然我们远距离 可是我真的很开心

我们的感情好像变得更好了吧

比起以前成熟了许多

远距离 其实也不是那么不好

还蛮不错的体验啦 哈哈哈哈

我真的很累很累很累了

有时候真的很想直接死掉算了

这种精神上的折磨 真的不是普通的累

我想我有时候可以明白 为什么有些人会选择结束自己的生命

我到底几时才能够结束这种生活

真的不知道我能够坚持到几时

真的很想 尖叫

I WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT LOUD

我真的很想赶快毕业有工作

然后逃得远远的

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

我只是要很安宁的生活 是有那么难吗

好想死

林珈莹 你要努力 要加油

HWAITINGGGGGGGGGGGG

Eyes on the prize

I'm here again. Oh my god I can't believe I am updating this freaking space again in a week. Alright it is not a ranting post with endless negativity like previous post. I am too free lately and I start watching vlog of the US youtubers and Alissa Violet is one of my favorite HAHAHAH God damn she has a hot body and a funny personality. I love her attitude and the way she's speaking because it got me laughed so hard *HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* That's her favourite annoying sound lol. Actually I'm watching those vlogs because I want to improve my English speaking and listening so bad. My english is sucks and I don't like stucking at the same poor level so I'm doing this HAHAHA I'm proud of my diligence *UEK NO JUST KIDDING LOL*

Okay back to the topic, I'm not writing this post to compliment how cute is her vlog. Recently there is a vlog of her hit me harder than a truck. The title is "Know Your Worth". I am awake after watching the vlog because it's really important to know your own value and your own and own merit. Lately, I'm being so negative and I hate myself to be like this because it isn't me. I think I'm sinking in the negativity too much and I lost myself inside this incessant self-pitying, eventually I trapped myself in this vicious cycle over and over again. I am blaming people because nobody understands my situation, I'm complaining because of the inequality, I'm grumbling because of the imbalance caused by comparison, I'm whining because I have no ability to make a change. I'm lost. 

I've been doing self reflecting because nobody can help you except yourself. If you are not making any changes on yourself, regardless physically or psychologically, you are pathetic because you are going to lapse into a hell and be a failure. 

1. Don't spread negativity. People have no obligations to know your every details because they aren't you and this is normal. The fault is not on them. The fault is not on anybody else. I've been hoping people to understand me and to know me and this eventually induced pressure on myself and also people around me. This is sucks. I'm stupid. It's okay to happen anything bad because it will end up to be your life experience which will only belong to you. It's okay to rant to people you trusted but don't ever want them, push them or even force them to help you every time. I've done it and I know how bad the situation will become. Things can't be solved and people would be bothered by your grouse.

2. Get off your couch and make a change. When you think you can do it, prove it. My mum is not believing in me in handling my life and being independent such as driving a car, handling relationship and academic, dealing with my tuition fees, future planning etc. She is insecure because I'm growing up and I'm having a boyfriend. She can't believe that I'm a sensible girl who know exactly what I'm doing now. This has put us into tense situation and worsen our bond. My mum is short-fuse and I'm not good in speaking gently when someone is touching my bottom line. Things get worse. I can't find a way to communicate with her because she is not the one I used to be with anymore. Distrust is pulling us apart from where we are. Since I can't change the situation, I start to change myself. I start to embrace the situation I'm in and I do the things that she thinks I can't. Things won't get any better anyway. I just don't care anymore lol.  

What I want to say is instead of changing others, the easiest way is changing yourself. Make yourself a better person. Do anything for yourself because in the end of the day, you are the one who is there for yourself. Make yourself proud of being who you are as well as your parents. *not my parents*

3. Know your own worth. It is something I don't. People who are close with me would know that I always feel myself is not perfect, I'm feeling inferior inside though I always fake myself as a funny person who can laugh all the time. I am afraid of comparison with people around me especially the close one. I'm not feeling jealous about that person but just I'm feeling that I'm not good enough. Those thoughts such as "Why I ain't them?" "I am always bad compared to people" "What can I do to be like them?" "How to make myself be lovable?" are going on my mind whenever comparison happens. I SWEAR THESE THOUGHTS ARE TOXIC. These thoughts are shaping a noxious paranoid and insecure identity inside you unconditionally. and THAT'S ME. Knowing self-identity is really important. If you are not gaining advantages on your appearance then don't focus on it. Focus on your talent, your intelligence, your strengths and what's make you beautiful in life. If you are not good in your academic, focus on your social and your hobbies. If you are not good in making friends, focus on doing what makes you feel meaningful and contented. If you are not as rich as people around you, focus on what you have and what you can do within your ability. EYES ON THE PRIZE; focusing on the positive end results. "Everyone is pretty in their own way", that's what she told me. *I feel sorry to her because my words of previous post was stabbing her feeling :(* Comparison is horrible but nothing is more gruesome than you can't embrace for who you are. Hating yourself is truly devastating in the state of intangible and the consequences may extend to the people around you. 

I've lose my track once but I won't make myself make the same mistake twice. As I grow up, one thing I realize is nothing is more important than loving yourself. Be the best of you is the only way to love people around you. Be who you want to be not what people want you to be. People who truly love you would accept your imperfections, your flaws, your blemish. It doesn't mean that you are granted a green light to be a person who hurt everyone around you using your bad side. That's a fine line between being confident and being cocky; a fine line between love yourself and self-righteous. 

That's the end of my post. I love you guys and appreciate for tolerating my negativity for quite a long period. Bye.