It's already October, I have no idea how time flies like a G6. Still the same me though, the same one who encountered 3 or 4 emotion breakdowns in a month but still, managed to get myself together as always. Still the same me who is lazy as fuck to go for an exercise and workout but keep on saying want to train an abs. *haha how funny* Sishu, Emily and Vivion always scorned and laughed at me whenever I said I'm gonna start my abs plan. Perhaps they have been listening for almost a whole damn year.
I actually feel comfortable with my friends now and we are freaking excited because all of us are going together to Wollongong next year!! Thinking about the convo we had few days ago makes me feel unbelievable for our ability of imagination and dreaming. We're totally detached from the reality and our imagination went wild when we start searching apartment to rent in Wollongong online. How beautiful and lovely those apartment are, imagine we waking up and cooking pancake for breakfast together, walking to school and going to beach together. Thinking of the cozy roommates life like "How I Met Your Mother" is actually making me stirred up, we're even imagining taking video for vlog HAHAHA. Ok. Times to wake up JiaYin. You're not even finished your Sem 2. Keep sane and back to reality. *Living together with conflict is always the last thing I wish to happen* My friendship thing is kinda normal, I meant kind of going smooth and peace because I don't encounter any friendship problems in my whole college life. I feel lucky when I listened to Sasa talking about her friends in KL and it is actually hellishly complicated. I know her feeling of having trust issue I guess.
It is weird that I'm actually quite close with Si Shu and Emily now, flashing back to next year, I was totally awkward if I was left with them alone. I remembered there was one time I was left alone by Alex in car with Si Shu and Emily because he was going to buy some stuff. That's when I know awkward silence can actually kill someone. Now, their names appear most frequent in my Whatsapp, at least once a day. Though we just knew each other last year, but they gave me a feeling like they are old friends. I'm totally lucky to have them as my close friends. Sometimes, they knew me better, it's like they knew my thoughts and the reasons for my mood swings even though I'm smiling. They always got me without me saying anything.
Okay, here's come to my second thing, my new 5-crazy-girls squad. Phoebe is kind of steady girl, steady as pyramid, earthquake can't shake her mind if she doesn't want to do anything. I kinda like her because she is a very neutral person, she never takes side. Vivion and me are kinda same kind of personality, we are realistic to some extent but still, we can talk some stupid nonsense for hours every time we hang out. I like being with her especially some heart talk session, at some point, we are quite similar in our thoughts and viewpoint in life. Xin En and Sze Yin are definitely drama queens HAHAHAHA, I meant in a good way. Their imaginations always went wild, I still can't figure out how far they can get to but I think went outside the milky way in galaxy is definitely possible. I like talking with them because I always burst into laugh until my tears coming out, sometimes I feel my face muscle is numb due to too much laughing. They can always make a drama out of something trivial and petty but they are fun. Days would never get dull and tedious if you're with them. Never forget the BT kias, we don't actually keep in touch much daily but all of us catch up once in a while since all of us part our way in different course. They are definitely nicest people who I spent my first two years of college life in INTI. The images of me crying in front of them in a pub are the worst moment of mine. F U C K I N G E M B A R R A S S I N G. I don't know why I did it in front of them, probably they are those people who witness the whole journey of my relationship. Okay, back to the topic, I wish 4 of them can get a good and kind girl because they deserve it. Why not? They are not the very attractive type but they are quite good looking, gentleman and sensible in some way.
Here comes to my relationship. FINALLY HE IS GOING TO COME BACK IN DECEMBER. God damn it I seriously sick of long distance relationship. I meant it is not like I'm that kind of girl who can't stand to be lonely and always wish to have a guy beside me. I have no problem dealing with my life without boyfriend because I did it for my past 19 years but it is really sucks sometimes. When you are in a serious bad mood, you found out that your boyfriend actually can do nothing because he is not by your side. When you are going to tell your shits but the time zone difference screwed you up because your boyfriend is actually having fun or probably sleeping or working.
When you finally get to talk to him in video call, here comes people and slow internet connection to interrupt our conversation. I tried to stay optimistic. I tried. I can't deal with myself when sometimes I'm really bothered by something, I actually need him there to hear me out. urgh. skip that. I was like with a "in a relationship" title but living with a super single life. I deal with my shits, my good and bad things ALL, by myself. That's not cool. Ok. I'm such a inconsiderate girlfriend right? Trust me, when all the sweet texting is gone, the only communication in a day is the video call but the video call is interrupted, seeing your boyfriend always surrounded with bunch of girls, you'll hardly keep your calm. It sounds too absolute but at least it is, for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the control freak girlfriend who wants boyfriend to text me every second, report to me his life, stay away from girls, or want him to sell his whole time, mind and soul to me. On contrary, I don't intervene much in his social life because I know social life means a lot to him, he always like to be surrounded by friends. I feel really happy for him when he actually found his true friends in Australia.
I don't know whether other girls have such feeling, I don't like to tell boyfriend to do something I like because I always believe that "if he loves you, he will know what to do and where the boundaries is". I feel like if something is done because being told, it is just done out of responsibility and obligation not to upset you instead of doing it from his heart. Sometimes, I feel like a fool for waiting his call when he is hanging out with his friends until late night and he don't even tell. I was like waiting, that moment feels like I'm the only one who looking forward to call. I'm being the typical me and starts overthinking. Insecurities kill, I swear. It feels like I was always placed after his social, I'm the last thing he remember after he's done dealing with his happy social life. This is NOT OKAY. Priority issue, I know I'm being petty and needy. I'm just like any other girl, I'm not the special kind of girl like those are mentioned and appeared in romance novel. Fine. Call me selfish bitch. I have tried to have a talk about this issue, and it turns out to be me overthinking stuff, me not trusting him enough issues and me picking out his flaws issue. We made up of course. I know he loves me. I can feel it whenever I see him. I love him too. But, I guess he still doesn't get my point...? Zero cares given on this issue and zero hurts. But the way, he is still cute in his way and playful. HAHAHAHAHA
He thinks I'm making a big fuss over these but yeah he just don't understand. I trust him but it doesn't mean I can 100% tolerate all these things. Maybe I can, only when I don't care and don't love anymore. Don't doubt, we're still in a good term, it's just me who played the bad guy card. I'm difficult in some issue I know. My pride is done with this issue so I guess I choose to move on now. No one is perfect. I should learn to embrace, I know not everything will go with my expectation. HHAHAH I still love him after all. Let's hope everything will be back to normal like before when he is back. No more LDR in next year YEAH.
Last thing, this is the major issue that causes me to be exhausted 24/7. My family. I'm not always on a good term with my mum, I meant since I went to colleges. Long story. Thing's getting serious. It is weird you love and hate your dearest one at the same time. I cried most of the time after fighting. I'm mentally drained and worn after every fight. I just hope that everything will be fine after I go to Australia for next year. People said absence makes heart grow fonder and every cloud has a silver lining. I choose to believe it, at least there is a hope to hold on right? Law of attraction. Thinking about positive outcome to attract the positivity. HAHAHA Naive and sill, but still worth a try. I'm tired. I'm totally sick of myself to sink and drown in the emotion of anger, grudges, disappointment, upset lately. Of course I still love her, but question is I can't stand to being in quarrel mode with her every week. This is sickening. Jiayin, please stay strong.
ANNYEONG. MY LIL SPACE.
I actually feel comfortable with my friends now and we are freaking excited because all of us are going together to Wollongong next year!! Thinking about the convo we had few days ago makes me feel unbelievable for our ability of imagination and dreaming. We're totally detached from the reality and our imagination went wild when we start searching apartment to rent in Wollongong online. How beautiful and lovely those apartment are, imagine we waking up and cooking pancake for breakfast together, walking to school and going to beach together. Thinking of the cozy roommates life like "How I Met Your Mother" is actually making me stirred up, we're even imagining taking video for vlog HAHAHA. Ok. Times to wake up JiaYin. You're not even finished your Sem 2. Keep sane and back to reality. *Living together with conflict is always the last thing I wish to happen* My friendship thing is kinda normal, I meant kind of going smooth and peace because I don't encounter any friendship problems in my whole college life. I feel lucky when I listened to Sasa talking about her friends in KL and it is actually hellishly complicated. I know her feeling of having trust issue I guess.
It is weird that I'm actually quite close with Si Shu and Emily now, flashing back to next year, I was totally awkward if I was left with them alone. I remembered there was one time I was left alone by Alex in car with Si Shu and Emily because he was going to buy some stuff. That's when I know awkward silence can actually kill someone. Now, their names appear most frequent in my Whatsapp, at least once a day. Though we just knew each other last year, but they gave me a feeling like they are old friends. I'm totally lucky to have them as my close friends. Sometimes, they knew me better, it's like they knew my thoughts and the reasons for my mood swings even though I'm smiling. They always got me without me saying anything.
Okay, here's come to my second thing, my new 5-crazy-girls squad. Phoebe is kind of steady girl, steady as pyramid, earthquake can't shake her mind if she doesn't want to do anything. I kinda like her because she is a very neutral person, she never takes side. Vivion and me are kinda same kind of personality, we are realistic to some extent but still, we can talk some stupid nonsense for hours every time we hang out. I like being with her especially some heart talk session, at some point, we are quite similar in our thoughts and viewpoint in life. Xin En and Sze Yin are definitely drama queens HAHAHAHA, I meant in a good way. Their imaginations always went wild, I still can't figure out how far they can get to but I think went outside the milky way in galaxy is definitely possible. I like talking with them because I always burst into laugh until my tears coming out, sometimes I feel my face muscle is numb due to too much laughing. They can always make a drama out of something trivial and petty but they are fun. Days would never get dull and tedious if you're with them. Never forget the BT kias, we don't actually keep in touch much daily but all of us catch up once in a while since all of us part our way in different course. They are definitely nicest people who I spent my first two years of college life in INTI. The images of me crying in front of them in a pub are the worst moment of mine. F U C K I N G E M B A R R A S S I N G. I don't know why I did it in front of them, probably they are those people who witness the whole journey of my relationship. Okay, back to the topic, I wish 4 of them can get a good and kind girl because they deserve it. Why not? They are not the very attractive type but they are quite good looking, gentleman and sensible in some way.
Here comes to my relationship. FINALLY HE IS GOING TO COME BACK IN DECEMBER. God damn it I seriously sick of long distance relationship. I meant it is not like I'm that kind of girl who can't stand to be lonely and always wish to have a guy beside me. I have no problem dealing with my life without boyfriend because I did it for my past 19 years but it is really sucks sometimes. When you are in a serious bad mood, you found out that your boyfriend actually can do nothing because he is not by your side. When you are going to tell your shits but the time zone difference screwed you up because your boyfriend is actually having fun or probably sleeping or working.
When you finally get to talk to him in video call, here comes people and slow internet connection to interrupt our conversation. I tried to stay optimistic. I tried. I can't deal with myself when sometimes I'm really bothered by something, I actually need him there to hear me out. urgh. skip that. I was like with a "in a relationship" title but living with a super single life. I deal with my shits, my good and bad things ALL, by myself. That's not cool. Ok. I'm such a inconsiderate girlfriend right? Trust me, when all the sweet texting is gone, the only communication in a day is the video call but the video call is interrupted, seeing your boyfriend always surrounded with bunch of girls, you'll hardly keep your calm. It sounds too absolute but at least it is, for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the control freak girlfriend who wants boyfriend to text me every second, report to me his life, stay away from girls, or want him to sell his whole time, mind and soul to me. On contrary, I don't intervene much in his social life because I know social life means a lot to him, he always like to be surrounded by friends. I feel really happy for him when he actually found his true friends in Australia.
I don't know whether other girls have such feeling, I don't like to tell boyfriend to do something I like because I always believe that "if he loves you, he will know what to do and where the boundaries is". I feel like if something is done because being told, it is just done out of responsibility and obligation not to upset you instead of doing it from his heart. Sometimes, I feel like a fool for waiting his call when he is hanging out with his friends until late night and he don't even tell. I was like waiting, that moment feels like I'm the only one who looking forward to call. I'm being the typical me and starts overthinking. Insecurities kill, I swear. It feels like I was always placed after his social, I'm the last thing he remember after he's done dealing with his happy social life. This is NOT OKAY. Priority issue, I know I'm being petty and needy. I'm just like any other girl, I'm not the special kind of girl like those are mentioned and appeared in romance novel. Fine. Call me selfish bitch. I have tried to have a talk about this issue, and it turns out to be me overthinking stuff, me not trusting him enough issues and me picking out his flaws issue. We made up of course. I know he loves me. I can feel it whenever I see him. I love him too. But, I guess he still doesn't get my point...? Zero cares given on this issue and zero hurts. But the way, he is still cute in his way and playful. HAHAHAHAHA
He thinks I'm making a big fuss over these but yeah he just don't understand. I trust him but it doesn't mean I can 100% tolerate all these things. Maybe I can, only when I don't care and don't love anymore. Don't doubt, we're still in a good term, it's just me who played the bad guy card. I'm difficult in some issue I know. My pride is done with this issue so I guess I choose to move on now. No one is perfect. I should learn to embrace, I know not everything will go with my expectation. HHAHAH I still love him after all. Let's hope everything will be back to normal like before when he is back. No more LDR in next year YEAH.
Last thing, this is the major issue that causes me to be exhausted 24/7. My family. I'm not always on a good term with my mum, I meant since I went to colleges. Long story. Thing's getting serious. It is weird you love and hate your dearest one at the same time. I cried most of the time after fighting. I'm mentally drained and worn after every fight. I just hope that everything will be fine after I go to Australia for next year. People said absence makes heart grow fonder and every cloud has a silver lining. I choose to believe it, at least there is a hope to hold on right? Law of attraction. Thinking about positive outcome to attract the positivity. HAHAHA Naive and sill, but still worth a try. I'm tired. I'm totally sick of myself to sink and drown in the emotion of anger, grudges, disappointment, upset lately. Of course I still love her, but question is I can't stand to being in quarrel mode with her every week. This is sickening. Jiayin, please stay strong.
ANNYEONG. MY LIL SPACE.
