I've been in a mess lately. There is always one and only thing that bothers me all the time, that's my family issue. I swear that this is the hardest issue to get a solution. Literally, despite the shits I got when I back home, my life is absolutely perfect on my own side. I don't have friendship issue, relationship problems, study stress or anything. Nothing at all. My own life is pretty smooth. I love it especially, me and Qassandra called each other at random time just to share our life, shits and the relationship story. I'm so damn excited that she got her loved one. She is a brighter person with less resting bitch face than before and I'm so damn glad to see that!! I honestly worried that her heart is totally dead and gone before this. But yeah great things happened. HAHAHAHAHA
To be honest the friends I met in my degree life are awesome, though I knew most of them in my diploma. But in degree I get the chance to mix around with them more since my diploma squad is now.....scattered? I don't know what's the right term to give it best description... but we're definitely not cutting ties lmao we're still good friends like before. It's just that we don't spend time as often as we used to be. Anyway I love my new squad too, my gossip girls. We are totally 5 girls who are always chatting in a way-too-exaggerating-and-dramatic tone and expression, but it is fun when I'm with them. Saying sweet words like "aww you are my girls, my baes, so glad to have u in my life" is definitely not our thing because we like to call each other bitches all the time. We are those friend who is lazy to keep in touch in social media or anything with each other because we believe true friends will stay the same once we meet up. Yeah same logic to me HAHAHA We are just fucking mean to each other but surprisingly none of us are feeling butt-hurt or being sensitive about the overreacting terms. I'm surprised I don't. I do change a lot compared to who I was in high school. That's a great thing for me. I appreciate the diversity of personality in people as I grow because mixing with the similar people is really boring. Things are better when you barely care. I don't care the little things like whether I topped on their best friend list or I'm their first priority because those fucking things were really childish to me. I did care when I was in high school but NO MORE DRAMAS NOW. As long as we are taking each others as good friends sincerely deep down from our heart, it's fine. No one is dedicated to revolve around someone, everyone has their choices. I love it when I'm hanging out with them and talking random shits. I feel so real. But still my best best best friends are those I knew in high school. To be exact those I knew since primary school.
Not those in high school form 5. 5S1 is a disaster to me. I guess that is where my self-esteem and confidence was totally grinded and crushed into ash. That is where the thoughts of "you're nothing if you don't get 10A+ and get the fucking scholarship" overwhelmed me. Ask me whether I miss high school? Nah, I'm definitely not, I'm not going back to the shitty hell that burn, break and crash me. They are disaster to me. I mean those classmates other than Chloroboat members. Choroboat is surely a good squad for me. Oh yeah, just saw what they post in the 5S1 group about invitation for a gathering and I realise I'm totally forgotten by everyone. No one really care whether I'm going lmao. The point is I don't feel sad at all about being left out or something. Technically, I feel relieved because I don't belong to those genius world at the very first and I don't need to fit in those thinking-good-result-means-everything superiority complex group of people anymore. I'm completely detached. I just like it somehow HAHAHAHA Just some digression. No offend.
Here's come to my kill-me-or-heal-me life, I don't know where to start to give my heart, my mind, and my soul to take a break. I'm just feeling really sick when I get back home. It's not like I'm a stone or any other non-living things, telling me to ignore everything that happened is impossible especially it's your dearest one. I don't even know how the things turned into such irretrievable situation. I keep to myself for quite a long period of time and I feel I'm on the verge of breaking down since 2 months ago. I tried telling this situation to my trusted friends just for the purpose of giving a vent. I can't stand it anymore and I'm afraid that I would have a mental breakdown for this issue. Yelling, insulting, blaming, whining, spitting vulgar are what I heard everytime I back home. I do feel heartbreaking and crying at first, and then it turns to be anger and madness to get such treatment, and now I'm numb. There was some moment that I really hate her for treating me like that, now I know she is still my dearest one I know I can't just left her like that even she treated me badly. I feel weak and vulnerable. I knew I can't just dump her aside in future even though she will continue bringing me such negativity. Sense of obligation and moral. Sense of family love. Whatever it is, I just feel that soaking myself in such environment is unhealthy for myself. I hate negativity honestly. Even the worst happened, I don't blame myself or people around me for having bad luck or denying my own value like saying something "I'm useless, I cause problem, I'm trouble" those shits. I don't think groaning helps anything instead of thinking a solution and moving on. For many times, I do think of killing myself. But I stop this thought everytime because I hate it when I'm being such negative and dark. I guess dying would be the last thing I do to deal with my life. I'm not a pessimistic girl after all. I know this is not the end of the world, I just can't see an end of this detrimental torture. I knew I can temporarily escape from this cruel reality once I get to go Australia in next year. But this is still an uncertainty. I am afraid my dad told me no. I will lose all of my hope and I don't know whether I can deal with it if this happens. My future is uncertain. damn i hate it.
Lastly, I'm going to have a lil cheesy lovey-dovey topic on my sweetheart baby. I WENT TO AUSTRALIA FOR THE FIRST TIME. OMG IT STILL FEELS LIKE A DREAM TO ME UNTIL TODAY. Memories are still fresh and vivid in my mind. I miss him so much. It felt so unreal when I saw him in the Sydney Airport once I reached arrival hall. Everything sounds perfect when I was with him. I just can't believe I experienced things like I watched in korea drama in my real life. I hope the time in Sydney stands still. I feel I am the luckiest girl in the world whenever I'm with him. He makes me forget whatever shits I have in life; somehow he is sort of my motivation to make myself better and stay optimistic in dealing every problem in my life. Every time I have been through the shits in my home, I feel so damn suffocated till I can't even breathe sometimes. It's like something is pressing on my chest. But once I saw him in video call, every problems fade away. I feel much better. It's not because I told him what just happened but because I feel that I matter and I can be important in one's eyes. He make me feel safe somehow. I know all of these sounds like the extract from the random romance novel HAHHAHAHAHA *annoying af* but yeah that's what I truly feel in this relationship. Kinda lucky to have him as my first love. I guess both of us love kissing and cuddling with each other. These are the best thing ever. *so explicit*
Can't wait to see him in December. Still wishing our long distance relationship stays strong. It is definitely not easy for me to handle this relationship especially we're not by each other side. But LDR is not really that bad. At least for us. I realize both of us are getting more mature to be someone better for each other. We're not arguing like before to handle problems, instead we start to think from perspective of each other. I do love it when he is not getting mad at me but comforting me with his humor whenever I'm overthinking and creating own dramas. I do feel insecure sometimes especially when I heard some breakups of people who used to be so sweet. Things can change pretty fast, feelings can fade, i love you can turn into i hate you in a second, when you think you are dealing it well and here comes to an end. That's love, right? One side of me is really afraid something like that happens on me one day. I don't think I can handle it with rationality too because love and hate is never a rational thing. Dealing with heartbreak by someone means so much to you is never an easy job for people. It can feel like the whole world is dumping you aside when your loved one was your world. Nothing lasts forever, I don't believe in forever either. But another side of me think that all can do is let it be maybe. Because why worry about something we don't even know? hahahahah I always believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe when something unpleasant happens, we feel lost and helpless. But when you look back, you will be like "ahhhh why I being such a fool at that time? why I'm so keen to hold on to such belief?" I went through this kind of feelings too many times and I'm still feeling that way every time. and I found that everything I experienced in the past is now definitely a great stepping stone in preparing myself to encounter what's in the present. No regrets. I'm such a ambiguous-thoughts-bitch hahahaha damn
Can't wait to see him in December. Still wishing our long distance relationship stays strong. It is definitely not easy for me to handle this relationship especially we're not by each other side. But LDR is not really that bad. At least for us. I realize both of us are getting more mature to be someone better for each other. We're not arguing like before to handle problems, instead we start to think from perspective of each other. I do love it when he is not getting mad at me but comforting me with his humor whenever I'm overthinking and creating own dramas. I do feel insecure sometimes especially when I heard some breakups of people who used to be so sweet. Things can change pretty fast, feelings can fade, i love you can turn into i hate you in a second, when you think you are dealing it well and here comes to an end. That's love, right? One side of me is really afraid something like that happens on me one day. I don't think I can handle it with rationality too because love and hate is never a rational thing. Dealing with heartbreak by someone means so much to you is never an easy job for people. It can feel like the whole world is dumping you aside when your loved one was your world. Nothing lasts forever, I don't believe in forever either. But another side of me think that all can do is let it be maybe. Because why worry about something we don't even know? hahahahah I always believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe when something unpleasant happens, we feel lost and helpless. But when you look back, you will be like "ahhhh why I being such a fool at that time? why I'm so keen to hold on to such belief?" I went through this kind of feelings too many times and I'm still feeling that way every time. and I found that everything I experienced in the past is now definitely a great stepping stone in preparing myself to encounter what's in the present. No regrets. I'm such a ambiguous-thoughts-bitch hahahaha damn
I don't know whether I should hate or love my life.
