Eyes Open

Hi.

It's been a long time I'm writing in my little secret space.

I have many thoughts in my mind right now like endless thoughts. I guess I realize more and more things through my 2 years of diploma and I've figured out a lots of thing that I don't before.

I've encountered a lots. Among all of these shits, family issue is the worst. It's like a very complicated problem that I couldn't solve forever. It is very hard to be understood by people around me. Because of this, I got taxing every day, I got myself crying endlessly, I got myself ranting to my closest person infinitely because I have no other way out. However, I guess I made my mind clearer through this issue to differentiate the people around me.

I have to thank my boyfriend. I guess he is the one who can understand my every tears, sweat and blood and always give me help in time. I appreciate his patience on me and never feel I'm annmoying because I do have a lot of negativity. I can cry and telling how suffer I am for hours and for a lot of times. He will never turn me down to continue the conversation and always rush to save me whenever I'm suffering. I am really lucky to have him in my life. He is my life savior. People may wonder why the hell I'm always with my boyfriend and seldom with my friends anymore. Most of the people may think that I'm that kind of girl who forget my friends once I have boyfriend but I'M NOT. I just realize who is the one I am completely comfortable to be with. For many times, I'm helpless and feeling frustrated to have some feeling that I shouldn't have. He always gives me great advice and motivation to make me feel relieved and solve my uncertain thoughts. He always understands me from his heart and from my point. I am really grateful I have someone like this by my side. I love him and besides this, I really want to say thank you to him like sincerely and seriously thanks.

There is one friend who has analogous physical appearance with me, my so-called best friend in my college life. We spend most of the time together no matter in class or at outside. People are calling us twins because our heights and hair length are almost similar. People are comparing us wherever we go and of course I’m always the one who is relatively inferior. Sometimes, I am sick of people’s comparison. She has a very nice appearance and people are asking me to learn her fashion style, to have the same colour of lipsticks with her, to copy her tastes. People are just making me feeling inferior. For some random times, I feel uncomfortable to be with her because people are comparing just because we have same height. I’m not pretty and I know it but why I can’t be myself instead of copying her style? For everywhere we go, people are not remembering my name but hers. That’s really hurt but fine. I sometimes distant myself because I don’t want to be a comparison. I was struggling inside during that time. Any of these hard feelings I felt, I just got through it myself because I feel she is my best friend. I should not feel this way. 

But, somehow people we have the closest physical distance with doesn’t mean we have the closest distance between our soul. I thought she could be my real best friend in college just like Zi Qian and Wei Ni but reality said no. I guess I can’t find any other to be like them. The more I be with her, the more I realize the difference of best friend and best friend to play arkkound. At first, I told everything to her includes the issues I faced. However, somehow her responses make me feel like she is not really concerned about my feeling but just an obligation to simply ask “Are you okay?” and then suddenly fade away in the convo. Unlike me, she has a lot of best friends. I’m just one of them. The feeling goes stronger after I got into relationship. I started to feel that our friendship is only strong when we take a lot of photos and dress ourselves prettily to hang out together. If we don’t hang out, we can completely like stranger and not even get a message from her. I just don’t feel we are best friend but only good friend or temporary companion. I feel better when I’m thinking this way. For a certain period, I’m upset about this and I don’t know who to open up to. I don’t trust anyone in my college tbh and I decide to tell Qass about my hard feelings. She told me that we will meet a lot of temporary people in college life so just don’t care. This helps me a lot. The lesser you care, the happier you are.

I really take her as best friend all the time, but just I don't know whether I'm taking this issue too serious :( Somehow I feel I owe her much in term of 人情 because she fetch me all the time and I feel helpless because I can't pay her back due to my complicated family issue. I shouldn't feel this way but I'm really afraid of this kind of issue will trouble the friendship as people will be shy to open up such issue. I am in a mess. Like totally. I know I am sensitive so I am trying to fix my life. I end up writing my feeling here because I don't want to bother anybody else with my negativity. My mum are influencing my social activities that is what I'm getting sick thr most. She even ruined my precious diploma gathering and I can't speak the real reason to anyone else and ended up saying "I need to move my stuff from hostel, it very troublesome so I can't go I'm sorry". The gathering is eventually cancelled and I feel very guilty and I'm afraid of people blaming me especially the friend I care the most for always being the wet blanket. *totally mess*. People like me should not have friends I think. 

I don't know what should I feel but I'm getting used to be alone because it is really comfortable. Best friend? I guess just let it be because whenever you care too much people will just think that you are overreacting. I'm not the one who insist to have a bunch of friends though. At least I have a special baby who never let me feel that I'm alone and two besties always support me though they are not around. Life always goes on.

 So plant your own gardens and plant your own soul, instead of  waiting for someone to bring you flowers   - Jorge Luis Borges