Am I ready

I guess my life has a huge change in this year especially I get into a relationship. Sometimes I feel there is too much for me to handle. Friends, family, study, relationship, and to be honest I feel the pressure sometimes even though I am playing and kidding around every day. Study is rarely a big problem to me as I was trained to have great time management for this since I was in high school, but relationship, friends and my low self-esteem are really tremendous problem to me, I guess. Like such a mess in this half year, I've been through conflicts and arguments, even though everything is solved right now but I still can't really find a way in my recent life.

I met him. I love him and I'm happy with him. He wouldn't know how much I love him because I always show 30% of my love to him when I am actually loving him for 95%. To be honest, I still don't like to show my true feeling to anyone, I feel so weak for myself and I'm scared to get hurt. It's only 19 years old and there is too much uncertainties in the rest of our lives. Not saying I don't trust his love but saying forever is too far away from reality. I sometimes don't even know myself. He helped me a lot in solving my difficulties and troubles and I'm really grateful for his existence. I love him. Honeymoon months are the best days of us, we hang out, we play, we laugh just like any typical couples. Recently, I started to doubt myself, am I really able to maintain this relationship? I love him and I know he loves me too.

What I realise is loving is easy but staying is hard. The more the tiny little problem happened, the more I am afraid that I'm going to lose this relationship. Even though the problem are always solved but I will still think about it when I am alone. I still don't know how to take a balance between everything. Everytime I make him upset, I cried. I don't know what to do. There are 2 side in my hearts. I know I shouldn't do the things he hate and hurt his feeling. I couldn't bear hurting him and that's why I cried. Another me was telling me why the hell I can't do what I want in my own life. I'm in a mess. I remained silent every time we have little argument and after crying. He always forgive me and care about me all the time. No doubt he is 100% a good boyfriend besides being emotional sometimes. But all I know is he being sensitive because he cares about my feelings.

But I don't know am I a good girlfriend? This question hits me so hard. I always do what I think is right and what I want and never bother the consequences that may arise. I hurt him few times. I am not sensitive enough to realise his mood change, and I should be by his side when he needs me. But I didn't. For few times I gave him disappointment. I doubt my existence for him, that's why I will ask him "Do you regret choosing me?" "Do you feel I'm annoying?" "Am I make a difference in your life?" almost every day. I know these questions are irritating but I'm insecure. I need recognition and appreciation that I am doing good or I'm good enough for someone I care. All these problems arose because I don't know how to handle myself and relationship. I have my own thoughts but at the same time I have responsibilities and duties for my boyfriend. I feel so sorry for him but I do love him very much :( Even though I keep saying "this guy handsome that guy handsome" but I am just trying to make him jealous and deep down I don't even care about those handsome guy. But every time I am trying to play such jealousy game, I started creating problems. The words spoken out from my mouth were so direct and mean like always and I don't even know those sarcastic words are actually like a sword stabbing his feelings. What a fantastic girlfriend.

Whenever he said "Why are you crying?" "I guess I'm not a good boyfriend as I always make you cry." Those words make me even feel I'm a worse girlfriend because he is really good. I am that one who is terrible. I cried because he is doing good and I'm guilty to make him feel that insignificant. I know there's gonna be ups and downs in relationship but I don't have that confidence level that I can deal with it well without hurting anyone. I'm trying. Trying and trying. When he don't feel like talking I will automatically link every reason to myself because I always give him troubles and disappointment. Even though it wasn't me but I will still think "it's me again". Probably my overthinking. I wish.  I guess I still have a lot to learn. No matter what he is still my lovely baby. He is the best part in my life. 

I don't know what the hell happened to my mind recently but I can't stop thinking that I am a invisible piece of shits in everyone's eyes. Especially when the lecturer saying hello to people around me but she don't even remember my name, I am smiling but deep down I was like "yeah okay I am easily overlooked just like always". Fuck this awkward situation. I don't show my weak and sad side to others. But when I am alone I can't stop thinking about this. I feel like I'm not worthy, not good enough, not confident and even feel I am a liability to everyone. I am trying to fix my physical appearance like look better than before but still there are millions better than me. I'm trying to strive for better in everything I can do but there is always a bunch of people doing better than me out there. 

I know I am neither a pretty nor rich girl and that's why I always improve my knowledge and capability when I can. But yup still, I am like a shadow but everyone around me are the sunshine. I will only appear when they shines brighter than me. I feel annoyed when people told me "you are good enough" because I will feel like because you never know what is the feeling to be a tiny little invisible microorganism in your life. I don't have much friends, like always. I always standing beside, awkwardly, and showing fake smile when my friends talking to their friends I don't know. I wish I could know a lot of friends but no matter how hard I tried the result is still the same. This make me don't feel like trying anymore. I always wonder why the hell the people out there can make new friends that easily and why this good luck is not happening on me. Am I that worse? Once I start thinking, the hundred of negative thoughts come to my mind and I can't stop anymore. I don't see much value in myself, probably insignificant. I am sick of being so average in everything; average in appearance, average in personality, average in humor, average in study, average in relationship, average in social circle, average in handling my daily life, average in common sense. There is so much thoughts in my head and none of it I can speak to someone else because I'm scared that people are judging me and feeling irritated to my low self-esteem. I seldom discuss my own negative thoughts with people even with someone I care because I feel like spreading negativity to others.

I'm no longer those stupid teenagers, I can't convince myself to ignore my flaws and rationalize it because no one will say "She is still young, forgive her". I'm a young adult and I should be able to improve my personality and attitude.




Am I ready for growing up?