Hi.
It's been a long time I'm writing in my little secret space.
I have many thoughts in my mind right now like endless thoughts. I guess I realize more and more things through my 2 years of diploma and I've figured out a lots of thing that I don't before.
I've encountered a lots. Among all of these shits, family issue is the worst. It's like a very complicated problem that I couldn't solve forever. It is very hard to be understood by people around me. Because of this, I got taxing every day, I got myself crying endlessly, I got myself ranting to my closest person infinitely because I have no other way out. However, I guess I made my mind clearer through this issue to differentiate the people around me.
I have to thank my boyfriend. I guess he is the one who can understand my every tears, sweat and blood and always give me help in time. I appreciate his patience on me and never feel I'm annmoying because I do have a lot of negativity. I can cry and telling how suffer I am for hours and for a lot of times. He will never turn me down to continue the conversation and always rush to save me whenever I'm suffering. I am really lucky to have him in my life. He is my life savior. People may wonder why the hell I'm always with my boyfriend and seldom with my friends anymore. Most of the people may think that I'm that kind of girl who forget my friends once I have boyfriend but I'M NOT. I just realize who is the one I am completely comfortable to be with. For many times, I'm helpless and feeling frustrated to have some feeling that I shouldn't have. He always gives me great advice and motivation to make me feel relieved and solve my uncertain thoughts. He always understands me from his heart and from my point. I am really grateful I have someone like this by my side. I love him and besides this, I really want to say thank you to him like sincerely and seriously thanks.
There is one
friend who has analogous physical appearance with me, my so-called best friend
in my college life. We spend most of the time together no matter in class or at
outside. People are calling us twins because our heights and hair length are
almost similar. People are comparing us wherever we go and of course I’m always
the one who is relatively inferior. Sometimes, I am sick of people’s comparison.
She has a very nice appearance and people are asking me to learn her fashion
style, to have the same colour of lipsticks with her, to copy her tastes.
People are just making me feeling inferior. For some random times, I feel
uncomfortable to be with her because people are comparing just because we have
same height. I’m not pretty and I know it but why I can’t be myself instead of
copying her style? For everywhere we go, people are not remembering my name but
hers. That’s really hurt but fine. I sometimes distant myself because I don’t want
to be a comparison. I was struggling inside during that time. Any of these hard feelings I felt, I just got through it myself
because I feel she is my best friend. I should not feel this way.
I really take her as best friend all the time, but just I don't know whether I'm taking this issue too serious :( Somehow I feel I owe her much in term of 人情 because she fetch me all the time and I feel helpless because I can't pay her back due to my complicated family issue. I shouldn't feel this way but I'm really afraid of this kind of issue will trouble the friendship as people will be shy to open up such issue. I am in a mess. Like totally. I know I am sensitive so I am trying to fix my life. I end up writing my feeling here because I don't want to bother anybody else with my negativity. My mum are influencing my social activities that is what I'm getting sick thr most. She even ruined my precious diploma gathering and I can't speak the real reason to anyone else and ended up saying "I need to move my stuff from hostel, it very troublesome so I can't go I'm sorry". The gathering is eventually cancelled and I feel very guilty and I'm afraid of people blaming me especially the friend I care the most for always being the wet blanket. *totally mess*. People like me should not have friends I think.
I don't know what should I feel but I'm getting used to be alone because it is really comfortable. Best friend? I guess just let it be because whenever you care too much people will just think that you are overreacting. I'm not the one who insist to have a bunch of friends though. At least I have a special baby who never let me feel that I'm alone and two besties always support me though they are not around. Life always goes on.
So plant your own gardens and plant your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers - Jorge Luis Borges