Jia yin.

Major in Finance. College Student. 20 years old.
A little space for this ordinary girl to write about thoughts.
Living in a beautiful yet sorrowful life.


"Eyes on the prize - Alissa Violet"

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Eyes Open

Hi.

It's been a long time I'm writing in my little secret space.
I have many thoughts in my mind right now like endless thoughts. I guess I realize more and more things through my 2 years of diploma and I've figured out a lots of thing that I don't before.

I've encountered a lots. Among all of these shits, family issue is the worst. It's like a very complicated problem that I couldn't solve forever. It is very hard to be understood by people around me. Because of this, I got taxing every day, I got myself crying endlessly, I got myself ranting to my closest person infinitely because I have no other way out. However, I guess I made my mind clearer through this issue to differentiate the people around me.

I have to thank my boyfriend. I guess he is the one who can understand my every tears, sweat and blood and always give me help in time. I appreciate his patience on me and never feel I'm annmoying because I do have a lot of negativity. I can cry and telling how suffer I am for hours and for a lot of times. He will never turn me down to continue the conversation and always rush to save me whenever I'm suffering. I am really lucky to have him in my life. He is my life savior. People may wonder why the hell I'm always with my boyfriend and seldom with my friends anymore. Most of the people may think that I'm that kind of girl who forget my friends once I have boyfriend but I'M NOT. I just realize who is the one I am completely comfortable to be with. For many times, I'm helpless and feeling frustrated to have some feeling that I shouldn't have. He always gives me great advice and motivation to make me feel relieved and solve my uncertain thoughts. He always understands me from his heart and from my point. I am really grateful I have someone like this by my side. I love him and besides this, I really want to say thank you to him like sincerely and seriously thanks.

There is one friend who has analogous physical appearance with me, my so-called best friend in my college life. We spend most of the time together no matter in class or at outside. People are calling us twins because our heights and hair length are almost similar. People are comparing us wherever we go and of course I’m always the one who is relatively inferior. Sometimes, I am sick of people’s comparison. She has a very nice appearance and people are asking me to learn her fashion style, to have the same colour of lipsticks with her, to copy her tastes. People are just making me feeling inferior. For some random times, I feel uncomfortable to be with her because people are comparing just because we have same height. I’m not pretty and I know it but why I can’t be myself instead of copying her style? For everywhere we go, people are not remembering my name but hers. That’s really hurt but fine. I sometimes distant myself because I don’t want to be a comparison. I was struggling inside during that time. Any of these hard feelings I felt, I just got through it myself because I feel she is my best friend. I should not feel this way. 

But, somehow people we have the closest physical distance with doesn’t mean we have the closest distance between our soul. I thought she could be my real best friend in college just like Zi Qian and Wei Ni but reality said no. I guess I can’t find any other to be like them. The more I be with her, the more I realize the difference of best friend and best friend to play arkkound. At first, I told everything to her includes the issues I faced. However, somehow her responses make me feel like she is not really concerned about my feeling but just an obligation to simply ask “Are you okay?” and then suddenly fade away in the convo. Unlike me, she has a lot of best friends. I’m just one of them. The feeling goes stronger after I got into relationship. I started to feel that our friendship is only strong when we take a lot of photos and dress ourselves prettily to hang out together. If we don’t hang out, we can completely like stranger and not even get a message from her. I just don’t feel we are best friend but only good friend or temporary companion. I feel better when I’m thinking this way. For a certain period, I’m upset about this and I don’t know who to open up to. I don’t trust anyone in my college tbh and I decide to tell Qass about my hard feelings. She told me that we will meet a lot of temporary people in college life so just don’t care. This helps me a lot. The lesser you care, the happier you are.


I really take her as best friend all the time, but just I don't know whether I'm taking this issue too serious :( Somehow I feel I owe her much in term of 人情 because she fetch me all the time and I feel helpless because I can't pay her back due to my complicated family issue. I shouldn't feel this way but I'm really afraid of this kind of issue will trouble the friendship as people will be shy to open up such issue. I am in a mess. Like totally. I know I am sensitive so I am trying to fix my life. I end up writing my feeling here because I don't want to bother anybody else with my negativity. My mum are influencing my social activities that is what I'm getting sick thr most. She even ruined my precious diploma gathering and I can't speak the real reason to anyone else and ended up saying "I need to move my stuff from hostel, it very troublesome so I can't go I'm sorry". The gathering is eventually cancelled and I feel very guilty and I'm afraid of people blaming me especially the friend I care the most for always being the wet blanket. *totally mess*. People like me should not have friends I think. 

I don't know what should I feel but I'm getting used to be alone because it is really comfortable. Best friend? I guess just let it be because whenever you care too much people will just think that you are overreacting. I'm not the one who insist to have a bunch of friends though. At least I have a special baby who never let me feel that I'm alone and two besties always support me though they are not around. Life always goes on.


 So plant your own gardens and plant your own soul, instead of  waiting for someone to bring you flowers   - Jorge Luis Borges 

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Am I ready

I guess my life has a huge change in this year especially I get into a relationship. Sometimes I feel there is too much for me to handle. Friends, family, study, relationship, and to be honest I feel the pressure sometimes even though I am playing and kidding around every day. Study is rarely a big problem to me as I was trained to have great time management for this since I was in high school, but relationship, friends and my low self-esteem are really tremendous problem to me, I guess. Like such a mess in this half year, I've been through conflicts and arguments, even though everything is solved right now but I still can't really find a way in my recent life.

I met him. I love him and I'm happy with him. He wouldn't know how much I love him because I always show 30% of my love to him when I am actually loving him for 95%. To be honest, I still don't like to show my true feeling to anyone, I feel so weak for myself and I'm scared to get hurt. It's only 19 years old and there is too much uncertainties in the rest of our lives. Not saying I don't trust his love but saying forever is too far away from reality. I sometimes don't even know myself. He helped me a lot in solving my difficulties and troubles and I'm really grateful for his existence. I love him. Honeymoon months are the best days of us, we hang out, we play, we laugh just like any typical couples. Recently, I started to doubt myself, am I really able to maintain this relationship? I love him and I know he loves me too.

What I realise is loving is easy but staying is hard. The more the tiny little problem happened, the more I am afraid that I'm going to lose this relationship. Even though the problem are always solved but I will still think about it when I am alone. I still don't know how to take a balance between everything. Everytime I make him upset, I cried. I don't know what to do. There are 2 side in my hearts. I know I shouldn't do the things he hate and hurt his feeling. I couldn't bear hurting him and that's why I cried. Another me was telling me why the hell I can't do what I want in my own life. I'm in a mess. I remained silent every time we have little argument and after crying. He always forgive me and care about me all the time. No doubt he is 100% a good boyfriend besides being emotional sometimes. But all I know is he being sensitive because he cares about my feelings.

But I don't know am I a good girlfriend? This question hits me so hard. I always do what I think is right and what I want and never bother the consequences that may arise. I hurt him few times. I am not sensitive enough to realise his mood change, and I should be by his side when he needs me. But I didn't. For few times I gave him disappointment. I doubt my existence for him, that's why I will ask him "Do you regret choosing me?" "Do you feel I'm annoying?" "Am I make a difference in your life?" almost every day. I know these questions are irritating but I'm insecure. I need recognition and appreciation that I am doing good or I'm good enough for someone I care. All these problems arose because I don't know how to handle myself and relationship. I have my own thoughts but at the same time I have responsibilities and duties for my boyfriend. I feel so sorry for him but I do love him very much :( Even though I keep saying "this guy handsome that guy handsome" but I am just trying to make him jealous and deep down I don't even care about those handsome guy. But every time I am trying to play such jealousy game, I started creating problems. The words spoken out from my mouth were so direct and mean like always and I don't even know those sarcastic words are actually like a sword stabbing his feelings. What a fantastic girlfriend.

Whenever he said "Why are you crying?" "I guess I'm not a good boyfriend as I always make you cry." Those words make me even feel I'm a worse girlfriend because he is really good. I am that one who is terrible. I cried because he is doing good and I'm guilty to make him feel that insignificant. I know there's gonna be ups and downs in relationship but I don't have that confidence level that I can deal with it well without hurting anyone. I'm trying. Trying and trying. When he don't feel like talking I will automatically link every reason to myself because I always give him troubles and disappointment. Even though it wasn't me but I will still think "it's me again". Probably my overthinking. I wish.  I guess I still have a lot to learn. No matter what he is still my lovely baby. He is the best part in my life. 

I don't know what the hell happened to my mind recently but I can't stop thinking that I am a invisible piece of shits in everyone's eyes. Especially when the lecturer saying hello to people around me but she don't even remember my name, I am smiling but deep down I was like "yeah okay I am easily overlooked just like always". Fuck this awkward situation. I don't show my weak and sad side to others. But when I am alone I can't stop thinking about this. I feel like I'm not worthy, not good enough, not confident and even feel I am a liability to everyone. I am trying to fix my physical appearance like look better than before but still there are millions better than me. I'm trying to strive for better in everything I can do but there is always a bunch of people doing better than me out there. 

I know I am neither a pretty nor rich girl and that's why I always improve my knowledge and capability when I can. But yup still, I am like a shadow but everyone around me are the sunshine. I will only appear when they shines brighter than me. I feel annoyed when people told me "you are good enough" because I will feel like because you never know what is the feeling to be a tiny little invisible microorganism in your life. I don't have much friends, like always. I always standing beside, awkwardly, and showing fake smile when my friends talking to their friends I don't know. I wish I could know a lot of friends but no matter how hard I tried the result is still the same. This make me don't feel like trying anymore. I always wonder why the hell the people out there can make new friends that easily and why this good luck is not happening on me. Am I that worse? Once I start thinking, the hundred of negative thoughts come to my mind and I can't stop anymore. I don't see much value in myself, probably insignificant. I am sick of being so average in everything; average in appearance, average in personality, average in humor, average in study, average in relationship, average in social circle, average in handling my daily life, average in common sense. There is so much thoughts in my head and none of it I can speak to someone else because I'm scared that people are judging me and feeling irritated to my low self-esteem. I seldom discuss my own negative thoughts with people even with someone I care because I feel like spreading negativity to others.

I'm no longer those stupid teenagers, I can't convince myself to ignore my flaws and rationalize it because no one will say "She is still young, forgive her". I'm a young adult and I should be able to improve my personality and attitude.




Am I ready for growing up?



Saturday, January 2, 2016

2/365.2016

时间真的过得很快
就这样就过了一年 就这样 我 19岁了
好复杂的情绪 也不是不开心 反正迷茫的感觉又来了
啊算了 没人会懂 hahahhaha

怎么开始说呢
也不是说我过得不好 也不是说我生活不精彩
在过去的一年真的很开心 好好玩
可是不懂干嘛啦
有时候就会莫名其妙浮现一种感觉
自己永远比别人差 的感觉
也好迷茫 一直会想我到底有什么用啊
干嘛会来到这个世界 是怎样 而且从来也不是特别重要
也不是现在才觉得 其实好久以前就有了
可是越长大 这种感觉越强烈
也不太可能会跟别人说吧 说了也超奇怪的
别人要以什么心情理解啊 好难懂
而且大家都好完美怎么会理解 
也不是不满意自己的生活 可是就是
觉得自己什么事都差了那么一点
那一点 很多吧 hahahah 

身边的人都很优秀
都总有自己的运气 天分 特色 才艺 美貌 聪明的天资 不然就很能干
反正论什么我都是差别人一些
运气没有 天资没有 才艺没有 特长没有 样子没有 梦想一点点
性格也不是特别的好 不是天使也不是恶魔 纯粹normal
完完全全一个 一个超级普通加毫无质量的 平民
就是那种多一个占据氧气 少一个没人发现的那种人
我从来都没在担心失去什么 因为我都一无所有 lol
自信对我来讲很奢侈吧

越来越不知道要怎样才能一步一步实现我的梦想还是wishlist
每次都看好事发生在别人的身上 都觉得哇 好幸运 好好哦
然后再看看自己 都是一堆 要解决的问题 还有 就会有很衰的事
然后在众多的事里面 就是没有 好事 헐 완전 제수었어

原来差一点 也好遥远

平常也不太爱说那么莫名其妙的话
听别人说就还好 可是到自己想要找一个人说的时候
就会觉得特别 奇怪 别扭
平常就是疯疯癫癫 如果突然这样真的好奇怪 吓到人吧
连开头都不知道要怎样讲了 然后就会想算了
那么破坏气氛的话题还是留给blog好了 
本来也是那种不喜欢给别人看到软弱一面的人
可是也不容易哭 虽然偶尔蛮容易伤心 最后一次哭是几时我都忘了
我隐藏功力也很好的哦 哈哈哈哈

之后再来写一篇 2016 resolution 吧
2016 希望我和我刚开始的人生变得更....好?
纯粹发废文 明天就没事了 BYEEEEEE